Wednesday, December 9, 2009

In Nandos with the linesman

While Wits are dealing with a disallowed goal, the linesman Stephen Moshotle is sitting in Nandos with a former colleague.

Stephen Moshotle: "Hape mmata, motho o tshwanetse ho re a ishebele. Phela those guys are giving us peanuts, we can’t rely on them. I wouldn’t be eating here in Nandos if I did not raise that flag last night. Hope I am given that Moses Mabhida game on the 19th so I can have a good Christmas lunch."
Jonas Nhlapo: “Lucky for you mmata, Sundowns is doing it quietly. Pirates e jampisitse and now I am sitting at home broke and smoking like hell”

Monday, November 16, 2009

Pirates call for team manager's head

“We are surprised how this man (Floyd) was brought to Orlando Pirates because we all know him as being a Kaizer Chiefs fan,” says Makhalanjalo. [ 2009-11-16]
One wonders how Pirates faithful "Makhalanjalo" will react if he finds out that Dr Khoza (Pirates Chairman) is also a Chiefs fan...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

PSL Player Agent: License A Exam

Question 1:
Which of the following best describes Lucas Thwala’s position?
A) Defender-cum-Striker B) Striker-cum-Defender C) Confused Defender D) All of the above

Red sea was named after it was colored with blood in the days of Moses. Siphelele Mthembu is to be baptized in the same sea, what will the sea be named, after Mthembu comes out of its water?

Question 3:
Teko played with Sam Pam for 6 seasons before Sam Pam retired from football 10 years ago. How old is Teko?

Question 4:
Which of the following best describes Pirates Fans?
A) Taxi Drivers B) Gay Taxi Drivers C) Violent Taxi Drivers D) All of the above

Monday, October 19, 2009

Dog dies of stress

A dog named Bondas suffered nervous tension while starring at the PSL Log Standings. Neighbors suspect the dog remembered what happened to Bashin (a dog Bondas used to share bones with) when Pirates lost the league to SuperSport United in the previous season. One neighbor Khosi says the last time he saw the dog, it was staring at the PSL Log Standings, then stared at a shovel believed to have been used in Bashin’s death. The dog then collapsed when its owner Bakajuju stepped into the backyard shortly after Pirates-Santos game.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Ertugral and Motaung exchange words

As Mataung Jnr steps into the field for Ajax-Chiefs game, Ertugral pokes him “Hey Model, what are you doing here, aren’t you suppose to be doing a photo shoot for a magazine or something?” Jnr ignores him. 29 minutes into the game Jnr scores a superb goal and goes to celebrate in Ertugral’s coaching box and say to him “Hey camera-man, I am here for a shoot, is your camera working?” Ertugral smiles and respond “You must ask that Donkey Mabuti Khanyesa, he was behaving like you when we played Sundowns but in the end I was the last man laughing”“Oops, you are forgetting something, you are playing Chiefs not Sundowns you idiot” replied Jnr and indeed Rooi and Nkosinathi 'Big Nuz' Nhleko scored to give Chiefs a well deserved 3-0 victory. Ertugral left Newlands stadium in agony "These boyz are back now, nxx"

Friday, September 11, 2009

What makes me what I am today?

I grew up in a place dominated by Pirates fans. I saw many kids going to school with no lunch money, some with blue eyes. I saw a man burning down his house which was painted black and white. At the age of 6 my father, my hero took me and my mom out of that place to a place dominated by Sundowns fans. It looked pretty good and quiet. Clean streets with the only noise made by birds. Most people in that area were female. I asked where the male people were. Most men have died of heart related illnesses blamed on the Rothmans Cup. Most boys were in juvenile prisons blamed on the same Rothmans Cup. I asked myself what kind of a person do I want to be, a violent person or a person who won’t live to see 40? I realized that I have a choice. I can live a stress-free life, a happy life, a love and peaceful life, a Khosi life. I am a happy man today because of the smart choice I made at the age of 6. I am a Khosi for life.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Bafana team selection

Ever wondered how the Bafana team selection works?
Here is a recorded Pitso- Santana conversation:

Santana: “Siya-dumela, Pitso”
Pitso: “Dumela Santana, not siya-dumela. Eish, this fong-kong...”
Santana: “Me found ze problem to ze right wing solution”
Pitso: “Wa pota gape, who is the player?”
Santana: “Ze player, ze quick, ze skillful, ze passes superb”
Pitso: “Quick, skillful and superb passes? Who is the player?”
Santana: “Ze player ze name is Abia Nale, ze Kaizer Chiefs”
Pitso: “Oh…that one. Yah, he is good but he is not a South African, he is from Zimbabwe”
Santana: ”Nale ze Zimbabwe? Me thought him South African”
Pitso: “Sorry man he is not, but I know a player who plays like him. His name is Benson Mhlongo from Pirates”
Santana: ”Ok, you call Molongo...”
Pitso: “Ok Ranko, I will call him”
Santana: ”Ze pleasure. Ze leboga”

Now we know why Pirates have more players in Bafana than Chiefs

Monday, August 24, 2009

Ajax bonds Khosi and Bhaka

After resurrecting his Bunene Ngaduane look-alike hair cut at the taxi rank. Khosi headed straight to his friend Baka Juju to catch a Chiefs VS Ajax game. Just before he could reach the entrance, Baka Juju spot him: “Eish, this ever-hungry boy has no timing, why does he always choose to pitch at this crucial time when I am about to finish cooking?” Baka Juju welcomes Khosi with a crocodile smile and makes him to sit at the TV room: “Haai, sisonke Khosi, ungahlala ngale…”

At this point the greedy Baka Juju is running out of plans on how to get rid of Khosi: “Should I tell him I just received an SMS about my uncle’s sudden heart attack…Eish, this boy won’t leave anyway he will come with an excuse that he will look after the house when I go check my uncle…”

Then Baka Juju, opened the pot that was busy boiling-up the Chicken, replaced the boiling water with the ice-cubes from the refrigerator to delay the cooking process. He carried on with the process until the end of the game. But Khosi still won’t leave since he had already smelt the chicken. Frustrated by this, Baka Juju made-up a phone conversation: “Hey Dawana how are you…What!!! Khosi’s girlfriend is in hospital? What happened?” before he could finish with his false call, Khosi interrupted: “Ag, it’s probably epilepsy, she gets one of those attacks every time when Chiefs gets defeated, let’s just eat and we’ll visit her later”

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Hell breaks loose in Cape

Newlands-Cape Town: He enters the field running at a speedy pace he had never reached before. What is he up to? the assistants ask each other. Mr Peter Mabuza blows his whistle declaring the start of the first leg of the MTN Top 8 semifinal game between Ajax and Chiefs.

Several minutes into the game, out of the blue Mr Mabuza blows his whistle. The game is paused, everyone is surprised and wants to know the reason for the halt. He runs to his linesman and asks “What’s going on?” His linesman responds “I don’t know, you are the one who blew the whistle, you tell me”. He thinks for a while and asks his linesman “since you are a Cape-Townian, do you think that cheap drug called Tik is too powerful for me?”... ‘What!!!’ exclaimed the linesman, Mr Mabuza runs back to continue with the game.

Few minutes later, Chiefs defender Rooi clears the ball close to his goal post. Instead of granting a corner-kick to Ajax, Mr Mabuza gives a goal-kick to Chiefs. Ajax players give him that protesting look while at the other hand Chiefs players are smiling. Mr Mabuza gets irritated by Khune’s smile and changes his goal-kick decision to a penalty. “Is he out of his mind?” his linesmen ask each other. Khune asks him what is the penalty for, Mr Mabuza tells Khune “You think you know too much. Let’s see if you can stop this penalty like you did with Bennet Chenene’s in Vodacom semis”

After Ajax’s Dipsy scored from the penalty kick, Mr Mabuza runs to the center of the field happily roaring the words ‘Abashwe, let these dogs die…Who do they think they are to win every Cup, Ayeye…Shapa Ajax Shapa”. That angered the fans and missiles were thrown into the field…

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Baka-Juju at it again…

While watching his team battling for MTN 8 semifinal spot with Ajax Cape town on DS TV SS4, sitting on his Goma-Goma lounge suite he bought from Lewis Furnitures, wearing a black & white shirt and a helmet embedded with a car registration plate written ‘Happy People 4ever’, Baka-Juju tells his friend about how Pirates got recharged energy from Charity Cup victory. His big satellite dish is hanging on a standalone pole 2 miters away from his shack.

Ajax scored an opener but Baka-Juju took it with a smile and said to his friend “Ladies First…” His friend asked if he was not angered by his team’s defense, Baka-Juju said to his friend it is not the culture of the “Happy People” to get angry or blame one another. Instead they focus on a come back and indeed Katlego equalized for them.

After the equalizer, Baka-Juju went on about how he wish to meet Chiefs in the final of the MTN 8, but a 77th minute goal from Ajax’s Dipsy changed everything for Baka-Juju. Firstly he threw his friend out: “You don’t deserve to sit on my expensive couch you piece of %$*%”, then destroyed the satellite dish with an axe while swearing “I am paying heavy monthly installment to see crap…you piece of &#*&%”. His neighbor came out to investigate the noise, only to be pursued by crazy Juju with an axe.

When police arrived at the scene they still could not understand what was going on as Baka-Juju was still running after his neighbor with an axe while the back of his shirt was printed in big letters the words “Happy People Forever”

Friday, July 17, 2009


Orlando Pirates
Kid 1: Yes!!! Now I remember. It looks like uncle Julius Malema’s pajamas
Kid 2: mmm... Hahahaha,hehehe... it is hilarious
Kid 3: Does that red color symbolizes skeleton’s blood?
Kid 4: I think uncle Robert Mugabe would rather give up Zimbabwe than to wear it
Kid 5: It looks scary, but it could make the freaks in the horror movie ‘Wrong Turn’ look good

Mamelodi Sundowns
Kid 1: Ahhh!!! It looks like the one I saw on the photo worn by my grandpa and his primary-school team mates
Kid 2: mmmh...mmh...Is it going to be worn by girls? I think it is not good for boys?
Kid 3: My brother thinks Daniel Mudau looked much better with his greasy perm hairstyle in that old glossy Disprin jersey?
Kid 4: Is it for netball?
Kid 5: Sorry but I can’t stop laughing when I imagine uncle Alex Shakoane’s dark skin color and his golden rings in that yellow jersey

Kaizer Chiefs
Kid 1: Yeah!!! I like it. It looks good
Kid 2: I think Zakumi will love it

Monday, July 13, 2009

Robert Mugabe’s promise to Africa

Accra, Ghana - While addressing African leaders on challenges facing Africa in Ghana, US president Barack Obama mentioned Zimbabwean crisis as a matter that should be given a high priority. Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe stood up and gave his word to more than 52 delegates of the continent and this is what he said: “I, Robert Gabriel Mugabe promise to step down from government on one and only one condition: if Orlando Pirates win a recognizable trophy in the PSL. My resignation will be effective from that day”

All Africans looked down showing signs of losing hope since they know that day will never come. "This is a shame" responded Morgan Tsvangarai, "This means Mugabe wants to die at the presidency, we cannot agree to this, we all know Pirates will not win against Chiefs anytime soon, Mugabe has even sent some Zimbabwean players to Chiefs to make sure of that. This is just some dirty games Mugabe's playing to make sure he rules until he dies"

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

How to spot your fellow soccer team fan?

How to spot a Sundowns fan?
He wears an old disprin yellow jersey at non soccer events
You see him at doctors’ strikes, taxi strikes, security strikes, truck drivers strike etc…just what the heck is his occupation?
He always talks of Motsepe’s billions while begging money to buy a cigarette
He always compares his clubs’ successes to that of Chiefs

How to spot a Celtics fan?
Simple: Any man that celebrates a lose while wearing ladies bra and a shower cap

How to spot a SuperSport fan?
You get him in taverns drinking milk in ice cubes…ke letsatsantsa
He does not support bafana bafana, he is unique

How do you spot a Chiefs fan?
He/she talks less in soccer topics, his team’s wining record speaks for him

How to spot a Pirates fan?
He/she always talk of his team’s come back every end of season
He/she is violent and the main reason why Chiefs fans talk less

Once a Pirate always a Pirate by OJ Mabizela

I was once a good person. Everyone used to sing praises of the good things I used to do. Then I joined Pirates. My whole life changed. I now make headlines for doing bad things. I need help, I consulted psychologists, priests, traditional healers, magicians etc...and all of them are unable to assist me. All they say is one thing: I have put an irreversible curse to my life by joining Orlando Pirates. Gift Leremi left Pirates and passed away shortly afterwards. Ronald Mkandawire and Bibi Mutombo also passed away after leaving the team. Mandla 'Metroblitz' Sithole appeared in court for stabbing someone to death. Lucky Lekhwathi also appeared in court for robbery and injuring someone with a knife. Jimmy Tau is beginning to hear strange things like whistles that were never blown. What have I done to myself to behave like Jabu and Steve? I guess they are right ONCE A PIRATE ALWAYS A PIRATE

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Chuck Norris’ advice to PSL

SuperSport’s 2-1 defeat to Golden Arrows, and Orlando Pirates 1-1 draw with Ajax on Wednesday means the league championship is open to both Pirates and SuperSport and will be decided on the last day of the season this coming Saturday. SuperSport takes on Santos in Cape Town, Pirates takes on Amazulu in Johannesburg.

The PSL have been handed a massive headache as they try to work out whether to send the Absa Premiership trophy down to Cape Town or keep it in Gauteng. Finding no solution to the problem, PSL turned to Chuck Norris for Answers:

Chuck Norris' advice to PSL: I am known for believing and doing the impossible, like regularly using Nandos' hot sauce as eye drops to heal my itching eye, killing two stones with one bird and so forth. But believing Pirates will win the league is just way beyond my thoughts. So my advice to PSL is: simply take the trophy to Cape Town.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Baka-JuJu a fan of the Happy People Team

On his way to his shack at the back of his parents’ house, wearing an old black shirt printed ‘Chibuku’ in white, he greets his neighbors with a happy smile as usual ‘Hola majimbos’ to which they all reply ‘Hola Baka Juju’.

A 7 year old boy runs to him and asks “why are you always this happy?” He replies with a smile "heitha bafana-bafana, you see my-laitie, I am a fan of a big team called the Happy People, and happiness is in our blood".

The boy asks "so, your team is always winning?”
"Yes, Mchana, always" he replies. The boy asks "what have your team won?" He replies "hehe Bafanas, In 1972 we won the Sales House Cup, followed by Life Challenge Cup in 1973, then followed by Mainstay in 1980, Chibuku Challenge in 19…"

before he could finish the sentence the boy stops him: "wait I am only 7 years old can you at least begin from the year I was born?"

He replies "Eish you see Bafanas, In 2004, we almost won the league, in 2005, we almost won the…” before he could finish his sentence the boy stops him again: "wait, can you please tell me of what you have won and not of what you almost won?"

He gets irritated by the boy’s questions and yells "Mmao wa leChiefs o go romile gore o tlo tshwenyana le moya waka, Satane ke wana. Voetsek…!!! Tsamaya o ye go dlala le dithaka tsa gao, you piece of rubbish” he kicked the boy from the back: “Voetsek, Hamba…”

There goes the story of Baka-JuJu a fan of Happy People Team.