What happened in Angola stays in Angola

PSL's got talent

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to vote for your talented PSL individual who you deem has got a very rare talent. And the nominees are?

1. Dominic Mateba: Showcased his rare to find dancing moves on national television while celebrating an offside goal in the Nedbank Cup, a combination of Manyesa + Madiba dance which later became known as Hlokoloza

2. Shabba and Bafana Crew: Still in the dancing category is Siphiwe Tshabalala and his Bafana crew for proving to the world that not being able to read does not necessarily mean one is useless. One can do other things like dancing, plus dacing has got no rules to comply with. You just move that body...

3. Ntate Goodenough Sithole: The only man who can speak a language far better than its own inventors

4. Yeye: The only person that needs to do nothing to prove to no one that he's got talent. You just take a glimse at him and conclude the man has got talent

5. Belly McFatty: NB: The following comment might not be suitable for sensitive readers and was approved by Professor Roger de Sa of Wits University. While people are dying to get paid in Pounds, he is dying to get paid in Kilos. Meet Belly, the only man on earth who gets paid in Kilos...

6. Bra J: The real Mr Jack of all trades. He is not only the coach, he is also the team's owner, CEO, Chairman, Spokes Person (though he prefers the title 'Madam Speaker'), fitness trainer, team doctor, bus driver, pilot, goalkeeper coach, etc...

7. Go-man-go Maponyane: For crying at each and every funeral of Kaizer Chiefs Funeral Cover Plan members. They say this man cries like he knew the deceased, like he knew them better than anyone at the funeral. SMS 7 to vote for this Crying Man...

Survived Abroad: Just what PSL players go through abroad...

Many wonder what happens to their favourite PSL players once they move abroad. Grave Diggers Inc have launched a new series titled "Survived Abroad" Here is the 1st episode:

1. Jerry Sikhosana, when Pirates' number 1 legend joined the Chinese outfit Unnan Huangto, Pirates fans were happy for him. Little they knew their number 1 legend would be turned into a Snake Milker. Jerry was responsible for extracting venom from snakes, before Chinese club chef could cook it

2. Pa Gaxa, following a controversial move to Belgium, Pa was turned a Human Alarm Clock. Pa was made to take note of team players and officials' awakening time and then knock on their room door to wake them up

3. Shaun Bartlett, though he finally broke into the line up, Shaun was appointed as a Shiner in his arrival days in Charlton Athletic. A Bald-Head Shiner specializing in shining half-bald heads of the likes of Paolo di Canio before the game and during halftime breaks

4. Helman Mkhalele, Midnight Express turned Midnight Watchman. He patrolled the team's camp to ensure no player leaves the camp at night

5. Knowledge Musona, Kaizer Chiefs' beloved son is now a German team Mascott

How criminal charges involving PSL figures were dropped

1.The rifle, the overload, the rhino horns case in Mpumalanga

Mpumalanga Magistrate: "I can’t explain how the rifle and rhino horns ended up in his car but what I know is that a man on crutches can't run after rhinos. Based on that, I declare this case closed and out of my Mpumalanga court room. By the way Mhlongo, please leave those rhino horns in the court room on your way out. As promised"


2. The Vodka, the car and taxi crash case in Jozi

Randburg Magistrate: “The Police say he was drunk, the Doctor says he was not. No breathalyzer was used, no blood samples were taken. It is the word of the Police against the word of the Doctor. I mean who's word would you choose if you were in my shoes? Clearly that of the Doctor, based on that, I dismiss this case. Doctor, please don’t forget to leave contact numbers of that lady you were with so I can personally inform her of the outcome of this case”


3. The high-speed police chase, the tracking helicopter, and the stolen Jetta 5 case in Jozi

Johannesburg Magistrate: “This doesn’t make sense at all. Jabu Pule (Mahlangu) and Madluphuthu driving a stolen car? How did the two end up in this car? Who was driving this car because as far as I know Madluphuthu is retarded, he can’t drive the car. Pule is always drunk, he can’t even tell the difference between a windscreen wiper and the mirror. In this court room, Pule has already mistaken me for a Reverend and asked me for a holy communion wine. Based on these facts, I declare this case dismissed.


4. Assault and theft in News Café Woodmead case

Wynburg Magistrate: “I understand the assault part, but what I don’t understand is why Jali and Mabena would try to steal a necklace worth few thousand rands while their chairman has just given them bonuses worth hundreds of thousand rands for winning treble? The complainant is a Chiefs fan, clearly he did not get enough satisfaction from being assaulted in the field of play by the Mighty Bucs and asked for more assault from the Buccaneers outside the pitch. Based on these, I dismiss the case, Up The Bucs! *doing a bone-crossing sign”

It never rains but pours at Bucs Special School

As the teacher arrives late for her class she finds Jali and Mabena on each other’s necks about the Mickey Mouse cartoon:

Jali: I am telling you Mabena, Mickey Mouse is a dog
Mabena: No, Mickey Mouse is a cat, look at those big ears?
"It’s a dog damn-it!, no it’s a cat” the two carried on until the teacher decided to step in
Teacher: Ok, ok! stop! Please stop! Captain Lekgwathi why aren’t you helping out here. Are you just gonna sit there and watch these two boys kill each other?
Lekgwathi: Mam, these two are dangerous these days. I don’t want to end-up with bruises similar to those they gave to that guy at News Café in Woodmead. I still love my face
Teacher: hew! I am surprised you still love your face. You two, can’t you see Mickey is a mouse?
*At the moment the Club's PRO Mickey Modisane enters the classroom?
Modisane: Hey! Hey! Ningazonhlanyisa lona maan (don’t drive me crazy). That Chiefs membership card does not belong to me. I am not a mouse nina maan!
*The class is shocked and asks each other what is it that Mr Mickey is talking about. Seeing the shock from their face he continues
Modisane: Ok, yes! the photo on that membership card is mine but that does not mean I don’t love Pirates…
Teacher: Mickey all the class was trying to solve was the animal that resembles the Mickey Mouse cartoon, now you are bringing in another puzzle with. Why do you hold a Kaizer Chiefs membership?

Sir Bobby’s Letter of Apology

Dear Amakhoksi fakes faithful

I am quite aware of my actions of late and am not proud about such actions. When you came to the stadium wearing ladies’ bras I called you gay. Little I knew these would affect you drastically as I witnessed the birth of Cheerboy who not only came to the stadium wearing ladies bra but stomach-out and cheeky-pants.

When you threw vuvuzelas into the pitch I called you names, contrasted your behaviour to that of farm-workers on strike who are tired of getting paid in vegetables, you started throwing cabbages into the pitch right after my ignorant utterances.

When you called for my resignation from the team, I told you that I had never applied for this job at Chiefs, and I was not appointed or elected by the ANC or IFP, in response to my statement you started coming to the stadium wearing PAC attires, maybe you thought to yourselves: “If he is not appointed by the ANC nor the IFP, then he might have been appointed by the PAC”.

I do realize that my actions not only affected you the fans but my entire family. Junior is so ashamed of being associated with me as a brother that he started applying calamine lotion to hide his face during the day. He now wants to leave soccer for good and play rugby. I do acknowledge my actions were that of a bobbejaan, I therefore kindly beg for your forgiveness.

Yours truly

Bobbejaan Bobby

PSL Invincible XI

In Hungry Lion with Mr Sithole

Sithole: 1 drumstick and a roll please

Waitress: And the drink?

Sithole: What do you mean 'drink'? Do I look like Patrice Motsepe? Give me what I have ordered and leave me in peace...

Waitress: Sorry Sir, was just trying my best to be at your good service

Sithole: Good service my foot. I offered that team my best service last night, even gave a penalty that never was but look where I ended up today, Hungry Lion while others are enjoying Nandos peri-peri chicken

Waitress: But our chicken is also nice

Sithole: Nice? What do you know about nice? Is it nice to get less than half a salary? Is it nice to be blamed for George Lebese's penalty miss? Don't you ever mention that word to me cause you know nothing about its meaning...nxa

While Sithole is busy with the waitress the middleman who facilitated the deal between ref Sithole and the team in question Mr Jonas Nlhapo makes a stop at the restaurant counter: "How much will your meal cost me if I bring my own pap?"

Angry uncle writes to Mayfair Special School

Dear teacher or miss what what

That is why you like it for the Pirates and you are tired for the class. You see, my sincerely is not for the stupid. You must show me why the exam is failed for him. You see, Andile Jali is not for the fool's what-what. His English marks were robbed because is for me who is to give extra classes for every day after your school. Is it because he is not Zulu S or Sotho what-what, maybe Xhosa? Please ensure is fixing the problem and you for it must stop treating my sincerely to be like idiot, jealous down.

It is with great pleasure for the writing this.

Truly yours
Goodenough Sithole

The search is now extended to the public

On 18:30 Saturday (30-07-2011), SAPS dog-unit joined a team of searchers comprising of FNB stadium management, Black Label tournament organizers, and City of Johannesburg's Pickitup unit in search of the penalty ball that was kicked by Itumeleng Khune. After searching the streets of Naturena, Soweto, Boysen, Goldreef City, Riverlea and surrounding areas for 6 days, The ball is still nowhere to be found. However the search still continues, the last update is that the ball might have landed somewhere in Hillbrow, the search team are exploring those areas. Members of the public are requested to join the search. Any leads or info that might help in finding the ball can be reported to City of Joburg on 011 375 5555.

How soccer bosses spent their 67 mins for Madiba

Kaizer Motaung: I took it upon myself to pay a one month installment of Kaizer Chiefs Hospital Cash-back Plan for 67 homeless people

Jomo Sono: I bought lunch for my 2 imaginary homeless-friends. Sat with them, had rounds of burgers. I was happy to see them smiling

Colonel Khoza: This year I chose to do something for the elderly people. I spent my 67 mins renewing Lucky Lekgwathi’s contract, all in Madiba’s spirit

Jimmy Augousti: I paid for a 67 minutes of studio time for my Siwelele-Fans to spend with iHashi Elimhlophe. Hope it will improve their soprano voices

Patrice Motsepe: I bought groceries for Sundowns Legends and Mambush finally got a new pair of socks. The poor man touched me last month when he appeared in old team socks in his formal shoes during the club’s player awards

While soccer bosses were busy enjoying their day, Benedict Vilakazi used Mandela day to his advantage. He was seen at Social Development offices trying to negotiate a disability grant. “Since when dwarfism became a disability? Sir please, you are wasting your time no one will approve this application” said the help-desk personnel.

Trust Facebook when it comes to revealing secrets

Victims talk of the house of pain

Charles Motlohi: “my cheek still has scratch marks from that Mambush slapping. That was a slap from hell”
Metthew Booth: “I was told I was not in the coach’s plans, but we had no coach at the time”
Hristo Stoichkov: “I was not fired, I resigned. I could not stand those bullies”
Jose Torelba: “I was told I have renewed my contract in Choorkop when I was in Venezuela during that time. Now people lost trust in me. When I signed a new contract for my new team Mineros, the team took photos and videos. They say they are protecting themselves incase in future I say I did not sign the contract”
Dino Ndlovu: “I spent 3 months without pay, when I inquired I was told I was under age, and the law is against child labour”
Manqoba Ngwenya: “For 7 years I was promised that my time will come, indeed my time came this year when I was shown the door”
Bennedict Vilakazi: “I am broke, I got no income and yet I still have 1 year left on my contract”
Antonio Habas: "My wife was admitted in hospital after seeing me on TV surrounded by those hooligans. Can you believe they even threatened my translator?"
Vuyo Mere: "Only one flying hand ball and all of a sudden I am a bird. After that penalty they told me to join the Dube Birds since I like flying... that's how I got to Swallows"
Ian Gorowa: "I went to the office to show them my plans for next season when they asked me what plans? what season? who are you? I said it's me the coach... they asked, says who? That's when I realized I am fired"

Carlos Alberto Parreira, the smooth operator?

The picture above was inspired by the match fixing probe FIFA is conducting on Bafana matches particulaly the 5-0 win against Guatemala, and 2-1 against Columbia... So I thought of the game against France which was not mentioned in the investigation. I might be wrong but my opinion on the matter is that Carlos Parreira might have bought those games in order to give the nation an impression that the team was ready to conquer the world and of course to secure his R1.8 million monthly salary. I think he might also be responsible for the chaotic incidents in the French camp ahead of our last WC game, remember the then French coach Raymond Domenech did not even want to give him a handshake after the match... These are nothing but my speculations perhaps it will be right to wait for the final report of the investigation.

Letsholonyane finally found his match?

The PSL offered no challenge for Reneilwe 'Yeye' Letsholonyane but this is about to change. With the return of Leopards, are we in for yet another Yeye dominated PSL or Yeye has finally found his match?

Trapattoni shares his June 16 experience

Trapattoni: “… bullets were flying in all directions and since we did not have bulletproof vests I used the steel dustbin as a shield, I went through hundreds of bullets before I reached this young 5year old boy who was stuck underneath the police truck. I put him inside the dustbin and carried him away from the scene, safe to his mom’s home…”

Siyanda Xulu: “Wow! Uncle Tropattoni you are indeed a hero, so the boy, do you still have contact with him?”

Trapattoni: “Yes from that day June 16 1976 he has been my little friend hence I even compromised a lot to bring him to the team today. Innocent Mdledle is my young friend from old times”

Matthew Booth: “No ways! You mean Mdledle is the 5year old you saved 35 years ago?”

Trapattoni: “Booth, are you questioning the validity of my story? Are you saying I am not a real hero?”

Matthew Booth: “Not at all sir, I was just questioning Mdledle’s age”

Trouble in Mayfair Special School

Teacher sends Mhlongo to go fetch a ruler for his geometry class, 20 minutes later Mhlongo returns with Colonel Khoza.

Mhlongo: “This is the best ruler I have ever known. People say he is a dictator but he gave us R17 million”

Teacher: “Oh my goodness, what does he has to do with geometry?”

Colonel: “Wa re metsi a dirang wena? Ke mang a jang metsi?”

Teacher: ”Not ‘jang-mentsi’, ge..o…me…try, geometry eish! I give up”

Colonel: "Look here wena, why you eat these boys jealous, why oba jela mona? Ke eng, is it the R17 million I gave them?"

Teacher: "No sir, I am not jealous and I don't envy their R17 million, it is just that I am concerned about their education, I want them to grow..."

Colonel: "Who said they want to grow? Otorogu, do you want to grow?"

Otorogu: “No sir, I want to remain a youngster”

Teacher: ”Sir, by growth I meant mentally not physically, I mean let’s call Mxhosa and show you what I mean”

[teacher calls on Jali]

Teacher: ”Mxhosa, what are you going to be when you retire from football?”

Jali: “A Legend”

Teacher: ”And what is a job of a legend?”

Jali: ”haaah mam, you know mos, legends go to Robert Marawa’s show every Friday”

Teacher: “Sir, you see what I mean? Mbuyani what are you going to be when you retire?”

Mbuyane: “Physician”

Colonel: ”Aha! You see, not all of them are bad”

Teacher: “Wow! Mbuyane congratulations on such a big word, now tell us do you know what Physicians do?”

Mbuyane: “Ha mam, they are physical body builders, they build strong men like Otorogu”

Otorogu: "Hey! hey! hey! Who is a stong man? I am a young boy... come here you piece of &*()"

Bhaka Juju finally finds his sense of humour

He takes his very old black & white shirt printed ‘Chibuku’ with big letters at the front, to its back he puts his own writing with a marking pen the words “The Champagne” we all know he meant to write ‘The Champion’ but anyway, he takes a pride walk in the streets of his neighbourhood singing Kabelo’s song “It’s either you love me or you leave me alone” He makes a first stop at his friend Khosi Kaofela home who unfortunately heard the singing and told his son to tell Bhaka-Juju he is not home. Unfortunately the son did not put it in a convincing manner: “Papa are ke go botse gore ga ateng (Dad said I should tell you he is not around)”

Bhaka Juju knowing his friend might be listening to the conversation, he tells the son: “bona my laaitie, tell your father I was not here to discuss football. I was here to apply for the Chiefs-Hollard Funeral Cover policy that he sells but since he is not here I might take my business elsewhere” Not wanting to lose a client Khosi comes out of the house furious at his son: “Hey wena son! Why do you always have to lie to people that I am not around? Is this the education they give you at school, to lie to your elders? nxa… go to your room” The son who is confused at the moment respond to his dad: “But dad, this is a one room house which room are you referring to?” Khosi get irritated by the son: “Hey wena son, go to your friends I am talking to elders here, vaya! This kind of attitude is the one that cost us the league… go son”

Bhaka Juju seeing that Khosi is really angry he throws in a question to shift his focus: “Just what comes with this Chiefs-Hollard Funeral Plan?”. Khosi now gets back to his selling senses: “Eh! Ja! eh! you see Bhaka, we all want a dignified funeral don’t we?. You see, with this plan, you not only get the coffin, you also get a Chiefs legend Marks Maponyane coming to cry in your funeral… I am telling you, he will cry to an extend that people get convinced that he knew you…Everyone will talk about your funeral Ntwana”


Bhaka Juju: “hohoho! Marks Maponyane crying in my funeral… that will be a funeral and a half... hohoho, my funeral! But tell me Khosi, can they also write on my coffin the words: ‘Here lies Bhaka Juju, The Champion of 2010-11 league, the same league that Chiefs claimed they will win but finished without even occupying number 1 spot?’

Khosi: “And...where are you going with this now?”
Bhaka Juju: “No-no-no Khosi, no harm, I just need more infomation. Now tell me, how much should I add to my plan if I want Kaizer to come and hold the umbrella for my coffin?”


That is the question that led to the chasing and throwing of stones at Bhaka Juju

Out of KZN, coming to a cinema near you

This Winter From the creators of Re jewa ka bo-Yellow
Presents:
OUT OF KZN
Staring: Katlego Mphela, Wayne Sandilands
Also Staring: Diyo Sibisi and Sibusiso Hadebe

Tag Line: Money and Style ain’t nothing in the PSL
Plot: They went to the Zulu Kingdom in search of 6 points. They only returned with 1 reality that they are out of the title race. Out of KZN out of the Race

Just how and why Mbuyane collapsed

The chap was lying on his beloved Goma Goma couch enjoying his self-made fig juice (made from feiye [in setswana] mkhiwane [in zulu] vy [in Afrikaans]) when he heard noises coming from the back of the house. Since his uncle’s unlicensed firearm was confiscated in Mpumalanga last year, he was left with no choice but to take a broom and a torch to the scene. He could see the bin contents moving out of the bin but could not see what was taking them, could it be a cat? he asked, but a cat can’t chew like that, whatever it is, it is too hungry. As he approaches the bin, about 4 steps away he lit his torch…whatever he saw, sent very strong shockwaves his mind and body could not handle… see the photo below: