Friday, May 21, 2010

Big trouble in little Chloorkop village

The Choorkop Tuck-Shop owner couldn’t sleep last night. His mind was occupied by the date May 22. He knows there’s something special about this date but could not figure out what it is. Seconds after giving it a thorough thought, he storms out of bed wearing his glossy yellow shirt printed ‘Ellerines’. He turns his room upside-down looking for his credit-book. He finds it with the following listings:
(1) Cheeseboy: Items (13 loafs, 8 sachets of Sweet Aid, 3 cups of Artcha), Means of payment: Nedbank Cup Bonuses, Due Date: May 22.
(2) Vuyo Mere: Items (11 loafs, 4 avocados), Means of payment: Nedbank Cup Bonuses, Due Date: May 22.
(3) Spider Baloyi: Items (BB smoking mixture X 15 ,11 marble-chappies bubble gums), Means of payment: Nedbank Cup Bonuses, Due Date: May 22.NB: Slow payer
“e-e-e-e, those boys are out of the cup. How will they pay me?”. Mind you it’s 2:00 am, he sprints to Cheeseboy’s room like a hungry cheetah going for a kill. He knocks hard on Cheeseboy’s door and windows: “hey! Cheese, Chesee…” . Cheeseboy couldn’t hold-up anymore and eventually disguises his voice and answers (in lady’s voice): “Uncle Mambush! Who do you want?” Mambush: “Hey wena! I want Cheeseboy, where is he” Cheeseboy: “He left for training” Mambush: “Ok, when he returns, tell him if he still wants to live he must have my all money by 6 am”. Cheeseboy: “How much?” Mambush: “R450”. Cheeseboy loses it and responds in his own voice “Hau, hau! R450. No way bra-Mambush. I owe you R200”. That’s when Mambush broke the door.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Who is Zakumi?

The person behind Zakumi will be revealed after the tournament. But our scorpions have gone undercover to reveal the person before the end of the tournament. We have learned that the person inside the mascot is actually a well known person (a public figure). Below is a list of suspects:

(1) Jacob Zuma other than his height matching that of the mascot, the President was never seen in a single event with Zakumi. Every time he is out of the country Zakumi appears in public events doing such know what I am talking about
(2) Pitso Mosimane, initially given the task of assistant coach by previous SAFA administrators but new administrators roped in more Brazilians as assistant coaches, kit managers, goalkeeper coaches, team bus drivers and water boys, leaving the only position of the team’s mascot to South Africans
(3) Joel Santana, the big-nosed man mentioned from the first day of his appointment as head coach that he is going nowhere. He will be with Bafana alongside the pitch, on the bench. Zakumi has a seat alongside the pitch.
(4) Jabu Pule (Mahlangu), he was reported playing in Sweden but no one has ever seen his Swedish games. At times Zakumi appears to be drunk. The other day Paraguay scored against Bafana and Zakumi raised from the bench and joined Paraguay in celebration by initiating a Mexican wave
(5) Nelson Madela, has anyone seen how slow the mascot can be sometimes? Has anyone seen Madiba ever since the beginning of the Confed Cup?

Monday, May 10, 2010

At least there's one man who still believes...

At least there’s one man who still believes Orlando Pirates will turn the tables around come next season.

Dawana in hot waters, again

Wearing his favorite yellow shirt he storms out of his dwelling blowing his vuvuzela loud. The printing on his shirt ‘Nike - Just did it’ instead of ‘Nike - Just do it’ is a clear indication that he bought it somewhere in Marabastad. Otherwise Dawana is a happy man since his team had just knocked Pirates out of the Nedbank Cup. He makes his first stop at MaMahlangu Chillers at the corner house where he finds Bakajuju drowning his sorrows.

Dawana: “Not even a penalty could help you beat us, I bet if we played extra 90 minutes you would still fail to score another goal”
Bakajuju: “I bet if I hit you with this dumpie in your mouth, you will never say another word”
Dawana is stunned and does not know what to do. He orders a dumpie of black label, looks at Bakajuju every now and then…He wants to say something but Bakajuju’s words still play in his head. He can’t help it but keeps his distance and yells: “Only if I was allowed to say another word I would say ‘nidliwe’ “ That’s when the chase began…