Trouble in camps ahead of the big derby

The Saturday derby final between Kaizer Chiefs and Orlando Pirates is arguably Africa's biggest game of the year. Unfortunately it is suffering big blows towards its build up stage. There are problems surrounding both coaches’ key players in the camps.

Vuyo Mere and Gogo

Vuyo Mere on Shabba's robbery

Police stopped Vuyo Mere hours after robbery incident at Siphiwe Tshabala's house:

Police: "Young man! Siphiwe Tshabala's house, do you..." *Vuyo interupts before the policeman could finish*
Vuyo: "Look, my honourable officer. Yes I do envy Tshabalala's dreadlocks since mine can't grow that long. And yes I have not won a medal in ages, and I do envy his medals too but I did not do it. I was with Brian Baloyi the whole night, oops! *he stops as if he said something he was not suppose to say* Not that we are partners or anything like that. We were just going through Brian's scarf collection...eish! you know he likes scarves, right? some males like scarves too...we were just..."

Police: Relax Vuyo, I was just asking you if you know the way to Shabba’s house. We were only looking for directions...

How Krol defeated Sundowns...

Why the birds aren't scared...

Trapattoni to rescue Benni McCarthy?

A man in Batman suit was seen getting off a moving red Ford Cortina car in Upton Park's Boleyn Ground (West Ham United training ground). Before the car could come to a complete stop, the man already took out 2 pairs of All Star tekkies, a 2 liter bottle of water and 2 Chappies bubble gums. All these descriptions match exactly with the characteristics of Trott "Trapattoni" Moloto. If indeed the man is our very own Chloorkop Hero, do you think he can save Benni’s career by making him lose his team’s desired weight in 1 week? Benni had already been fined R880 000 for failure to lose desired weight in time

Once upon a time there was a gorilla...

Once upon a time there was a gorilla in a man suit which terrorized the village of Chief Madondo. The village had a special Banana field reserved for hunger season. Every morning after the calabash night where villagers drink themselves to their sleep from the home brewed beer, the Chief would find a number of unripe bananas half eaten with their peels. “No human can bite green bananas with their peels, whoever did this must have large canine teeth, could it be a beast? Why is this only happening after the calabash night? Could the beast be among us?” the chief interrogated himself until he came up with a plan to catch the culprit…

Chief Madondo called a meeting and everyone got seated under the big tree. The Chief put up a big poster for all to read and observed everyone’s reaction. All villagers laughed after reading the poster but the animal in a man suit not only burst into laughter, he rolled on the ground, hit its chest, and laughed till it dropped its fake teeth to expose its large canines….Guess what was written on the poster:

“Pirates will win the league this season”

Scotts Emulsion, a solution to SA players height problem?

After scoring a superb goal against Pirates in the Charity Cup, Lucky Khune celebrated with a back somersault. On his way back to his side’s half he passed close by the Sundowns grandstand singing: ‘Scott’s Emulsion I like you, you help me to grow’. Hearing the song, Vilakazi immediately dropped his Castle Lite bottle, Esrom Nyandoro who was watching all this padded Vilakazi on his shoulder and said: “Tso forget it, that thing won’t work on those old bones of yours, you should have tried it at an earlier age”

Never let excitement carry you away, a lesson from Litha Nxabi

Carried over by the excitement of playing in the first Charity Cup of his life, the Amazulu player does something he never ever dreamed of doing. He initiates a move on a lady he has been fearing for the past 2 years, a lady he had been admiring but avoiding eye contact with let alone voicing out an innocent 2 letter word ‘hi’. Previously, Litha would pass that lady and never look back as if he would turn into a pillar of salt like Lot’s wife in the bible. But not on that day, maybe Litha was also influenced by the presence of his captain Pere Ariweriyai when he uttered the words: “Bongi, if you were not in a hurry I would walk with you on your way home”. Surprised by the confident voice of the shy Litha, the pretty Bongi pauses for a while, turns her heard, smiles at Litha and says: “I am not really in a hurry, you can join me”. A stray bullet shot from a gun of reality stroke Litha straight into his heart. His knees trembled with fear, he wished the world could tear apart so he can go inside its hole and hide forever. He prayed for the wind to reverse his words. As he was going through those scary thoughts, Pere padded him on the shoulder and whispered to his ears: “Litha, the lady is waiting”. If you thought Usain Bolt was the fastest man in the world, then you did not see Litha Nxambi on that day. Chest up in the air, head facing the sky, eyes fully focusing on the road, All Star tekkies barely touching the ground, he left Pere eating dust at the back…

Zooming in on Wits star Sfiso Myeni

Sfiso Myeni is undoubtedly SA’s next big thing. In this article we talk to the best friend of Wits’ right wing to find out the real man behind this shining star. Baboro has been Sfiso's friend for many years now:

Firstly let me highlight that the Sfiso you see on SABC is not the actual Sfiso. I don’t know why but some how I feel SABC’s poor picture quality (resolution) makes him look bad. Anyway I grew up with Sfiso in Lawley (Johannesburg). I think the man who should get all the credit for making Sfiso the disciplined star he is today is his brother. That brother of his was a strange man. I remember we used to play ‘di ali’ (marble games) at Sfiso’s place. His brother would go to the the toilet outside the house to do his stuff and later realize there’s no toilet-paper. He would yell for Sfiso to go fetch the toilet- paper from the house. Sfiso loved the marble game too much and would not quit the game for a mere toilet-paper. He argued with his brother on that day until the brother came out of the toilet without wiping and said straight into Sfiso’s face: “You think you are smart, now let’s see how you react when your friends will be laughing at you saying your brother doesn’t wipe and smells of dung” And indeed we mocked Sfiso about his brother. From that day Sfiso started listening to the elders most especially the ones from his home coz he realized the consequences of not doing so. Today my friend is the most disciplined young star in the PSL...

Bafana's plan B

Big trouble in little Chloorkop village

The Choorkop Tuck-Shop owner couldn’t sleep last night. His mind was occupied by the date May 22. He knows there’s something special about this date but could not figure out what it is. Seconds after giving it a thorough thought, he storms out of bed wearing his glossy yellow shirt printed ‘Ellerines’. He turns his room upside-down looking for his credit-book. He finds it with the following listings:
(1) Cheeseboy: Items (13 loafs, 8 sachets of Sweet Aid, 3 cups of Artcha), Means of payment: Nedbank Cup Bonuses, Due Date: May 22.
(2) Vuyo Mere: Items (11 loafs, 4 avocados), Means of payment: Nedbank Cup Bonuses, Due Date: May 22.
(3) Spider Baloyi: Items (BB smoking mixture X 15 ,11 marble-chappies bubble gums), Means of payment: Nedbank Cup Bonuses, Due Date: May 22.NB: Slow payer
(4)....
“e-e-e-e, those boys are out of the cup. How will they pay me?”. Mind you it’s 2:00 am, he sprints to Cheeseboy’s room like a hungry cheetah going for a kill. He knocks hard on Cheeseboy’s door and windows: “hey! Cheese, Chesee…” . Cheeseboy couldn’t hold-up anymore and eventually disguises his voice and answers (in lady’s voice): “Uncle Mambush! Who do you want?” Mambush: “Hey wena! I want Cheeseboy, where is he” Cheeseboy: “He left for training” Mambush: “Ok, when he returns, tell him if he still wants to live he must have my all money by 6 am”. Cheeseboy: “How much?” Mambush: “R450”. Cheeseboy loses it and responds in his own voice “Hau, hau! R450. No way bra-Mambush. I owe you R200”. That’s when Mambush broke the door.

Who is Zakumi?

The person behind Zakumi will be revealed after the tournament. But our scorpions have gone undercover to reveal the person before the end of the tournament. We have learned that the person inside the mascot is actually a well known person (a public figure). Below is a list of suspects:

(1) Jacob Zuma other than his height matching that of the mascot, the President was never seen in a single event with Zakumi. Every time he is out of the country Zakumi appears in public events doing such dances...you know what I am talking about
(2) Pitso Mosimane, initially given the task of assistant coach by previous SAFA administrators but new administrators roped in more Brazilians as assistant coaches, kit managers, goalkeeper coaches, team bus drivers and water boys, leaving the only position of the team’s mascot to South Africans
(3) Joel Santana, the big-nosed man mentioned from the first day of his appointment as head coach that he is going nowhere. He will be with Bafana alongside the pitch, on the bench. Zakumi has a seat alongside the pitch.
(4) Jabu Pule (Mahlangu), he was reported playing in Sweden but no one has ever seen his Swedish games. At times Zakumi appears to be drunk. The other day Paraguay scored against Bafana and Zakumi raised from the bench and joined Paraguay in celebration by initiating a Mexican wave
(5) Nelson Madela, has anyone seen how slow the mascot can be sometimes? Has anyone seen Madiba ever since the beginning of the Confed Cup?

At least there's one man who still believes...

At least there’s one man who still believes Orlando Pirates will turn the tables around come next season.

Dawana in hot waters, again

Wearing his favorite yellow shirt he storms out of his dwelling blowing his vuvuzela loud. The printing on his shirt ‘Nike - Just did it’ instead of ‘Nike - Just do it’ is a clear indication that he bought it somewhere in Marabastad. Otherwise Dawana is a happy man since his team had just knocked Pirates out of the Nedbank Cup. He makes his first stop at MaMahlangu Chillers at the corner house where he finds Bakajuju drowning his sorrows.

Dawana: “Not even a penalty could help you beat us, I bet if we played extra 90 minutes you would still fail to score another goal”
Bakajuju: “I bet if I hit you with this dumpie in your mouth, you will never say another word”
Dawana is stunned and does not know what to do. He orders a dumpie of black label, looks at Bakajuju every now and then…He wants to say something but Bakajuju’s words still play in his head. He can’t help it but keeps his distance and yells: “Only if I was allowed to say another word I would say ‘nidliwe’ “ That’s when the chase began…

Comments from Pirates VS Chiefs game

Pirates should just turn all their players and technical staff into musicians. Their debut single should be a remake of Teddy Pendergrass song "In my time" (Anonymous, Bareng News)

A certain gentleman who was sitting next to me asked what the 4th official was doing in the pitch. I asked him where the fourth official was he pointed me at Katlego Mashego who had not been running, let alone calling for the ball (Bhaka Juju, People's News)

Not even the special one Jose Mourinho can make Orlando Pirates win trophies, this team is cursed PERIOD. (Anonymous, MyFootballNews)

Easter message

As the crowd gathered at the holly mountain on the first day of Easter, eagerly waiting to hear the words of comfort and restoration from their leader in white ropes, he began speaking from the peak: "Unless a prophet like Eli come to speak life to them, by no means will those bones stand" When asked to translate what he just said, he said "Pirates will never win anything maybe if we lived in the days of Moses and Elijah. The days of miracles"

Khanyeza ‘faces’ the disciplinarian

Mambush the disciplinarian well known for slapping his fellow player Charles Motlohi for refusing to take a penalty, called upon Mabhuti Khanyeza immediately after collecting his 3rd red card of the season. Mambush was standing at the side of his team’s only 54 fans of 28000 soccer fans that filled Super Stadium to the brim when Khanyeza came with his hands covering his face.
Mambush: “What are you doing?”
Mabhuti: “I wanted to score like Maradona, remember hand of god?”
Mambush: “Oh, yes. I do remember. Stretch you arms and unfold your hands so I can give you something”
[Mabhuti does as instructed. Within milliseconds a whipping sound outbreaks, Mabhuthi is dropping a tear and covers his left cheek]
Mambush: “Now that’s what I call a hand of god. Get off my face before I give you another one”

Legend blamed for title loss

Mambush, a rock solid Sundowns legend who in 20 yrs of playing time was never carried out of the field on a stretcher nor treated for an injury is blamed for the Sundowns lose to Cosmos. Mambush caused a great headache in the dressing rooms before the game with his debtors’ book and a sjambok: “May I have what is due to me before you go spend all your money on scarves?” demanded the Chloorkop Tuckshop owner. Hearing that horrifying voice, Brian Baloyi decided to take a run for his life. The coach had no choice but to give the goalkeeping position to Calvin Marlin who had never seen a game in ages. “Had Brian started in the post, there’s no doubt Sundowns would have won the game” said the frustrated team spokesman Alex Shakoane. "Of all games, Mambush decided to collect his money at this crucial one" the distressing Mike Nanana Ntombela alluded.

Trouble in Mambush Tuck-shop

“Uncle Mambush I know I am buying on credit but this bread has expired, stru it has reached its sell by date. You may check the expiry tag” said the disappointed Siyanda Xulu, to which Mambush responded: “Hey wena son, nothing expires here in Chloorkop? If things were expiring Esrom Nyandoro would have long been asked to leave the club. So stop complaining and eat your bread” While the 2 gentlemen argued Vuyo Mere the Expiry-date specialist in the shop, brings in a tag with expiry date set for next 30 days and replaces the one on Xulu’s bread and says “Problem now solved, enjoy your bread sir"

Phobia or Allergy?

Teacher: “Boys between you and me. Kali’s case is similar to mine. When I was your age, I would run after a girl, twist her wrist and ask her if she loves me or not. Once she says yes, I would leave the scene at a speed of a light and run to my friends to tell them I have a girl. But when I see her again, I would go for a hide”
Stonza: “Sir, you sound just like Orlando Pirates. They fight all the way to the top spot in the league. Once they realize the top spot occupants will get a trophy, they ran away from the top spot. Are they allergic to trophies?”